Mindless Muses

Well, to say the least, I have not been keeping up with this as I should have or even as I had thought that I would.  Life gets in the way and with four daughters, it means that 5 lives get in the way.  lol  The girls are busy with the beginning of their sophomore year in college.  They are beginning to be tired of school already.  I have informed them that they have a long way to go to get their degrees.  As they have found out, being an adult is not all its cracked up to be.  There are days when I long for the time when I had the opportunity to lock myself in the bathroom and lay on the floor and read a book.  Or lay in the tub and read a book.  Or go to the pond in the woods.  Or walk down to my friends house just to try on her clothes.  I miss all the young stuff you could get away with because you didn't have to worry about impressing your boss or co-workers.  The adult world has its good points but man, you can't get away from all the bills and all the heartache that is part of parenthood and adult issues. 

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I thought today about all the tragic situations going on in my local area and it bothered me that so much bad is happening.  Even in my own yard, decorations (expensive ones) have dissappeared.  It's not much in the grand scheme of things, but I have to ask:  What's so wrong about being good?  We have forgotten to teach our children respect.  Respect for others.  Respect for others opinions.  Respect for other's property.  It's like littering.  We all feel disgusted when we see someone dump something on the side of the road.  We hate to see it when people throw things out of the window.  But it is okay to trash someone's feelings or property?  I thought of the perfect bumper sticker---Merry "CHRISTmas"!  I'm not taking any chances!---What about it?  What if the Christians are right?  What if the Buddists are right?  What if the Jews are right?  Well, nothing is harmed by just being a good person.  NOTHING!  However, if by chance (and you all know how I believe) there is a God, then you are in real trouble if you haven't lived according to his teachings.  And so what if there isn't a God?  Then what harm has come from being that good person?  I guess as we live we eventually learn that there is more to life than just keeping up with the Joneses or trying to get ahead.  But somehow, we, this generation, forgot the golden rule.  Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.  Yesterday, after hearing the news of murder on the radio, I watched as an elderly gentleman walking hunched over with a cane, saw that 25 or so feet away was an elderly lady helping an even more elderly lady who also had a cane to make the slow trek to the store that he was exiting.  He stood there holding the door open, even though it was the exit door, for these two ladies.  They paused for more than just a moment and spoke kindly to each other and wished each other a Merry Christmas.  I thought to myself, that is life as it should be.  Concern for the well being of others, even though he had to be suffering himself as he stood there those long few minutes waiting for them to reach the door.  So at this time of year when we all wish for peace, love and joy.  I wish for good, kindness, respect and yes peace, love and joy.  I wish that people would mean it when they say it.  I wish people would act out their good wishes rather than speaking them.

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As I sat down to write for the first time in a few days, I was trying to control my thoughts.  They were racing about several things that have been happening in my personal life that I wasn't sure I should share.  Instead, I heard something on the news about Wal-Mart not wanting anything to do with the "Merry Christmas" wish.  Well, I have this to say about all those businesses that claim to be trying to be non-biased.  You should watch your step!  The reason for the season is Christ.  YEP!  You guessed it.  Santa Claus, Christmas, it was all about giving.  From the beginning.  And even though other holidays have either been invented, or fell naturally during the season, it was Christmas that started giving you as merchandisers "black friday".  It is Christmas that is celebrated at that time of year that is responsibile for the majority of the gifts purchased at that time of year.  It is Christmas that sells the most cards.  It is Christmas that puts people in your debt.  It is Christmas that you sell us both with Christ and with Santa.  So, if you stop trying to acknowledge Christmas, maybe,just maybe, we who are members of the Christian community should just withhold our dollars or find ourselves shopping at the obscure places that do offer me a "Merry Christmas" as I walk into their stores.  NO!  I don't want responses from all of you that are not Christian.  I get it.  I know that there are other holidays and there are some that don't celebrate the season at all.  But you all benefit from it with the so called "sales" and all that goes on with the season.  We all benefit.  And yet rather than being all inclusive and celebrating all of the holidays, stores are choosing to not acknowledge any of it.  So yeah, Christ is the reason that many of the stores make a profit at this time of the year.  Give credit where credit is due.  But most of all, try just being nice about it.

Well, we are not actually ready for Christmas.  But I love this time of the year.  Sometimes it is lonely because of what we all went through, but the holiday itself brings about such joy.  I wish that I lived in the time period that is shown in all the Thomas Kinkaid pictures or the Currier and Ives pictures.  Christmas seemed to last the whole month long.  I would love that.  I actually love snow for that reason.  Our whole world stops when it snows.  We all have "permission" to stay home and just BE.  No worries.  The 25 days of Christmas should be like that.  We should all have that month off without bills and without worries.  Just being friendly and warm and happy.  Wouldn't that be nice?

I really thought that writing my own blog thing would be easy. I was fooled. I admire those of you that can post something daily. Some times I find that my day is one of nothing but sitting behind the wheel of the car. Other days I run from one thing to the next seemingly without a purpose. Now and then, I want to relax. Last night I had a sit down talk with a young man that wants to date my 17 year old and he is 24. I find this to be wrong. I think that men over the age of 18 are way to mature for my "little girl". This partigular 24 year old is a military man. He has been in the military for quite a while and there are several others that are interested in her as well. It makes me angry! I thought that he needed to be put in his place and yet at the same time, I was trying not to be the b of a mother that doesn't let her little girl date at all. The simple fact is this. There are no young men her age here. She is in college with her older sisters and there are all kinds of "older men" in all of her classes. At least these guys are members of our church. I just don't know how to handle it all. My mothering instinct says to lock the door until she turns 18 next April. But my memories of my own past tell me how much I admired those same aged men when I was 17. Of course, I had my high school friends and she is already in college. In fact, when I went off to college I had only been 18 less than a month. I am confused. I am scared. I want her to remain pure and innocent and yet I know that somewhere in this new world she will be confronted with the very things that I was years and years ago.I hope that I will find a way to come to a compromise without threatening to have him arrested should he touch her inappropriately. Oh well. I really hate being a single mother. I hate not having someone else to talk to about this and to back me up on my decisions. That really stinks. While I hate the things that my ex has done to us, I am certain that he would have handled the situation pronto. Me? I have to handle things with velvet gloves so as to not turn my daughter against me and yet not embarass either one of us.

I actually like Danny DeVito as an actor. I find him very funny and so I watch his movies.  However, the little stunt he pulled on his promo interview with the women (loosely used of course) of "The View" was simply unbelievable.  I hate drunks.  From my earliest childhood, I remember Uncle Ed, also known as "the town drunk".  He was always that way.  Every time he came over to our house, I would take my younger siblings and play hide out in the attic above our outside utility room.  He scared me.  He was always touching us.  I don't think it was in a preverse nature at all, but in that drunken falling over themselves so let me hang on you sort of way.  When I saw Danny DeVito and his little performance, I thought:  "You aren't anything but a drunk and an idiot."  Mel Gibson is so drunk that he spouts out vile and he gets torn to shreds and yet here's Danny DeVito spouting out vile about our President and talking about how he and his wife defiled a bedroom in the White House and I think, you know, I just don't want to see another one of his movies.  I really wanted to.  I love Christmas movies.  I really do.  I love this season.  But will I go see "Deck the Halls"?  Absolutely not.  I refuse to let him get off with making more money off of me.  Yeah, I know, he will never know or care, but I will.  People have the free will to say what they want and most comics and late night TV hosts do make fun of the President all the time, but when you defile one of the Symbols of our nation, I want you to be aware that not all of us think it is funny.  Making Love is an act that signifies love in a marriage.  "Utilizing" as he put it, every inch of the room,,,,NO!  And, there should be a respect for our President, whomever he is and whether or not you like the job he is doing.  That is, bottom line, one of the things wrong with our country today.  No one really RESPECTS anyone.  It is a shame.  Children, mostly teens, don't respect their parents, their teachers, nor their employers.  We have become lax in what was once known as the "social graces".  I'm sorry.  Where have all the sensors gone?  (They bleeped out numbnut?) WOW! 

All this week I have been searching for some health insurance benefits for my family.  One that covered my children until they finish college.  Well, I went to Blue Cross/Blue Shield of my state and guess what?  For my family of five it will cost a minimun of $589 and can go as high as $1262 (approximates since I am going from memory and didn't even bother to write that down)  Anyway, I was astounded.  When you go to the doctor as rarely as the five of us do, that is an amazing amount of money.  And that does not even take into account the co-pay of $15 to $25 for each person and the same for perscriptions.  In my neck of the woods those are mortgage payments.  And what do I get out of it if we don't go to the doctor but once a year each?  Nothing but a big bill for someone else's care.  It sucks.  And as I did my search today on "health care" an article popped up about how Romney of Massachusettes has almost the whole state covered with reasonable health care.  I cut and pasted the following: 

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I sat in my car remembering all the things that I miss about the girls being little, as the heat of the day and the sun beat down on me.  I was reading.  But the thoughts and pains of good times past suddenly descended upon me like the weight of the world and I cried.  I can remember being called at work to hear their voices ask:  "Mommy, can we play 'ice princesses'?"  I would always respond with a "yes" although a little irratated at the phone call.  I would complete my day "at the office" and on my commute home pray that the house was still in tact.  Knowing full well it would be a mess created by their imagination.  I would eventually walk in and the house would be freezing, even in the summer.  They would all be dressed in white slips or these white gowns that I had purchased for them.  The temp was down as low as it could go and they would be shivering because of the thinness of what they wore but they would be happy.  They reveled in their imaginations.  I would begin to prepare dinner and eventually we would all crawl under whatever make shift ice home and watch any Christmas movie.  No matter what time of the year it was, it made us feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  "The Muppet Christmas Carol" was and is still our favorite.  They believed in Santa.  They believed that all troubles would vanish if they just prayed hard enough.  Now, looking back on things, I liked that world that they created.  I loved the innocence of it.  I miss it.  As the girls grow up and prepare to make homes of their own, I am left with a nostalgia that suddenly makes me wish for a time machine.  I want it all back.  I want the innocence of life back.  I want to forget the horror of our lives as we became victims of my ex-husband.  I thought about that lots today as someone I love faces her first true night alone.  I remember well the tears on my pillow.  The hollow and vast aloneness of life.  The prayers for sleep that never came and still to this day, 6 years later, is hard to come by.  The anger and depth of fear that you now have to face parenthood, bills, life, totally and completely alone.  Others offer help and condolences and all offfer sympathy.  It does not help.  And even though our situations are similar, no one has a situation that matches another.  Empathy is not an option.  For each set of circumstances that seem eerily the same, there are nuances that cause each to suffer differently, and personally.  I long for the innocence more than anything else.  For play dates under makeshift homes of "ice" in my living room.  For Santa to come in and make Christmas wonderful.  For someone to finally say, this is not right.  Families were meant to be whole.  Families are meant to be forever.  Families should be the unit that we can all count on.  Instead, so many are temporary.  But trust me the pain of a broken family is eternal no matter how many ways that family may have "gotten on with their lives".  I miss the girl's childhood.  At this season, it particularly strikes me hard when I know that others suffer the same.  My friend will suffer as the plans for this Christmas have changed drastically for her and her children.  I know from whence that pain comes.  It is my wish that somehow those nights alone thinking of all the plans made and the hopes dreamed of will be few for her.  I know otherwise.  So at this time of year, all I can do is pray that God is kind and gives her a soft place to fall and a strong shoulder to lean on. 

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Family is such a marvelous thing!?!  There are some things that you just can't change about family members and yet, we, by some mysterious law have to love them.  Tonight was that kind of night.  I have to honestly say that I don't like someone I love.  Does that ever happen to anyone? 

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As thankful as I am today; my heart now overflowing

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